Mixed emotions

Before I begin, here's is a little back history --

My first born did not nurse on me, I actually pumped for her for 11 months.  Yes I did. I was dedicated and determined that she would get breast milk and not formula. 

My second born nursed, but it wasn't perfect.  It was painful. It was work and it didn't feel natural.  I nursed her for 4 months and she weaned to formula.

Third time is a charm!  My Bonnie Kate has been nursing from day one!  I couldn't believe how easy it was!  It was so natural and she was good at it...and so was I! I was elated!

--fast forward 9 months--

Bonnie, still nursing, and not wanting anything BUT mommy! By Christmas time last year I was done.  I wanted my body back!  I wanted her to take a bottle! I wanted to have freedom again!  I was feeling trapped because she was exclusivly breast fed and I created a monster!  She only wanted me! We went through a biting phase together and I read mommy blogs and talked with friends

"HOW DO I WEAN HER?!"   

Despite the painful feedings from biting, I had more experieneces where we felt bonded and I was nurturing this baby and I loved that!  But at the end of the day, I just didn't want to do it anymore! However, I was inspired to continue on and that she would wean herself when she was ready.  I prepared myself mentally, emotionally, physically to be in it for the long haul.  I put my selfishness asied and continued on nursing and enduring - you know those toe curling, feet digging feedings when it hurts so bad?!  I had many of those. 

Here we are now on the brink of March and I find myself feeling the same feelings...I have LOVED this nursing experience with Bonnie, but I am DONE!  The last two weeks have been filled with sickness in the household and it took it's toll on me as well.  My milk supply went down.  I was lacking and she was wanting.  One night, at the bedtime feeding, I noticed I had nothing to give her.  It just wasn't coming.  She was frustraited and crying and I thought she's just going to have to cry it out - she won't take a bottle and I have nothing to give - so to bed she went, hungry. 

After 20 minutes of crying, I thought "she can't go to bed like this, but I can't magically create milk in my body on demand!"

I thought about making a bottle.  Despite my previous months and efforts of trying to get her to take a bottle, knowing it wouldn't work...I went to the kitchen, heated the water and poured in the formula. I told Gordon to get her and that I would leave the room and pray.  If it didn't work, I was prepared to feed her by syringe (which has not been a first!).

It was dark and quiet sitting in the front room listening to the silence coming from the other room where he was attempting a feeding with her. Why is it so quiet?  She should be screaming by now! I hear nothing!!!  Then it was done.  He walked past me with her in arms and he carried her upstairs to bed.  I stood there wondering.  He came back down, showed me the bottle and it was empty.  EMPTY!

She.drank.from.a.bottle!

SHE DRANK FROM A BOTTLE!!!!!!!!

It's been two days now - no feedings from mom - 100% bottle fed.  No issues. No crying. No screaming. Just like that, she's on a bottle. 

--

Here's the mixed emotions part - I truly, honestly, whole heartedly LOVED nursing this baby!  And the last two days of giving her a bottle and it's been so easy, I find myself reminscing the sweetness of nursing a baby.  Being the ONE and ONLY ONE that can provide for her.  But now I am not.  Why does this hurt my feelings?  Isn't this exactly what I wanted? Why am I sad that's it's actually over and done and she's moved on from me?  OH the heart strings!!!!!! 

I am done though, and it is empowering.  I nursed her for 9 months.  I endured.  I conquered.  And now I can reclaim life, freedom and my body!  It's exciting!  It's liberating! And most important - it's OK!  She still loves me!  I still am so in love with her!  The bond we have is not broken by the bottle.  I can still look into her baby blue eyes and see I am still the ONLY ONE for her!!  That makes me happy!  And so does this picture!!!